My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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