my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
