I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
