I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
