I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
