The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
