did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
