dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
