The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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