I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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