I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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