Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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