In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
