I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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