i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
