i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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