she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
