Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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