when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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