I saw his package. It spoke to me.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
my shit smells like andre
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
