Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
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Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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