Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Blood and glitter go together right?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
