Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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