So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
