You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
