someone threw a dead crab at me
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
