I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
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