one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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