Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
