I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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