Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
