Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
there's paper in my vomit.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
