She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
