people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
