it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Is Oprah even human
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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