Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
