I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
