i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
