I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
