Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
