My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
