My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Randomize
