okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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