2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
