someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
