He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
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