Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
