Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
