It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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