Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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