My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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