I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
