I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I did not marry a roomba.
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