Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
