I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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