Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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